Winning at (conventional) dating is still losing

I have written a little bit about my approach to dating here.

The post below deals primarily with dating advice for women.

Conventional dating advice turns dating into a power game, more specifically one where all guys want is sex (not true) and all women want are relationships (also not true). With this being the premise the aim of a woman in conventional dating is to trap a man who only wants sex into a relationship (??!!?!) and dating advice aimed at men is all about manipulating women into having sex with you. Aside from this stuff generally being shit, it is also incredibly heteronormative.

If you are a woman, pretty much all conventional advice tells you things like, don’t approach guys, let them approach you, don’t call them let them call you, don’t seem to eager, make him work for it. This all boils down to: play games and this will keep him interested and if you are a lesbian or looking for just sex or something other than a relationship you don’t exist. Thanks gender essentialist heteronormative world of dating advice for adding another level of shittery to your already bullshit advice.

Leaving aside the other factors for now (I will probably deal with them in another post), yes certainly these games will work on some men, your power games may entice someone into going out with you. However do you really want to go out with someone (if a relationship is what you are after) that requires this head games to go out with you and stay interested?. This pretty much means you will end up with a bad boyfriend. Someone who will play head games with you, someone who will complain about you “getting too serious” or “cramping their style.”  Is that what you really want?

Conventional dating advice also operates on the premise that for woman any relationship is better than no relationship and rejection is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Rejection is not the worst thing that can happen to you, I have been rejected, I am still alive.  Rejection is probably a lot less bad than having a bad boyfriend who makes you feel really insecure all the time. Being straight up and putting your needs out there, and not taking people who can’t meet them, from the beginning may result in more rejection overall, but it will also result in more satisfying relationships. It is the 21st century, if a man finds it a turn off because you asked him out and were assertive about what you want, then guess what? You probably don’t actually want to go out with him. What is the point of winning the dating game if at the end of the day you still lose?  Who really wants to come out of dating with someone who treats you like crap?

This type of approach to dating not only results in more satisfying relationships, it is actually also easier. You don’t have to worry about if you are calling to soon, or if you replied to his text message too quickly. If he actually likes you then he won’t give a shit about those things. For real.

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